That’s right, I’m bringing back the quiz, old-school Teen Magazine style. But instead of answering burning questions like ‘Which Vampire Hottie is Right for You?’ and ‘Are You a Promzilla?,’ this thought-provoking test will determine your mothering style. It is scientifically-accurate in 98% of cases, so don’t argue with it. Okay, get your pencils ready!
1. You took prenatal yoga classes because…
A. You wanted to connect with your baby’s spirit while she was still in
B. Your OB recommended them, and they were fun.
C. You thought they might help you de-stress—studies show that a
stressful womb environment can have a negative impact on the
baby, and it stresses you out to think that your womb might be
D. It didn’t occur to you to do prenatal yoga, mostly because you were
in denial that you were pregnant until you were in labor.
2. Did you find out the baby’s sex before he was born?
A. No—you didn’t want to have preconceived notions about your child,
and besides, gender is a continuum, not just based on sex.
B. Yes—it was too hard to wait!
C. Of course—you had to preorder the custom curtains to match the
sheets to go with the wall-hangings….
D. Nah—either way it’s just another kid to take care of.
3. For your baby shower, in addition to the regular stuff, you
A. Good vibes for the birth.
B. Copies of your favorite children’s books.
C. Contributions to your child’s 529 plan.
D. Cash for the paternity test.
4. Your baby’s name...
A. Was inspired by nature. For example, Willow, Aurora, Jade…
B. Is a classic like Joshua, Matthew, Katherine, Madeline…
C. Is also a place—Berkeley, Brooklyn, London…
D. Comes from a classy alcohol brand—Hennessy, Chardonnay,
5. Your baby’s first exposure to music was…
A. The drum circle playing at the birth.
B. The lullabies and nursery rhymes you sing to your baby.
C. The violin lessons you started for baby when he turned six months
D. The soundtrack to Grand Theft Auto.
6. What was your approach to getting in shape after having the
A. You don’t have a mirror so it never crossed your mind. Besides, you
embrace the curves and marks your children have bestowed on your
body. They reflect your Journey as Woman.
B. You figure that with breastfeeding and taking the baby for daily
walks, the weight will come off naturally.
C. You alternate baby boot camp classes with training for a marathon
via the jogging stroller.
D. You don’t exercise. Exercise is for pussies.
7. Your stance on
A. Breasts are for
You’ll whip out the boob
B. If baby is hungry, you’ll
find a private place and
nurse under a blanket.
C. Um, no. You plan your
excursions around baby’s
scheduled feeds, and you
always have a backup
bottle on hand just in case.
D. You don’t breastfeed, on
account of the nicotine.
8. When it’s time to start solids, what do you feed your baby?
A. You make your own baby food from veggies grown in the garden.
Love is the special ingredient!
B. You buy Gerber—doesn’t everyone?
C. You have freshly-picked organic baby food shipped in twice a week
D. You introduce fries at sixth months, nuggets at seven months, but
no Mountain Dew until after a year. That shit makes babies go
9. What was your approach to babyproofing?
A. You closed the barn door and called it good.
B. You did the basics—outlet plugs, gates for the stairs, etc.
C. You paid a fortune for a professional babyproofing service as soon
as you found out you were pregnant.
D. What is babyproofing?
10. How often do you give your baby a bath?
A. Once a week. Or less…
B. Every other day or so, more if needed.
C. Every day precisely at 6:30, after her evening meal and before
D. You’re supposed to bathe them, too?!
11. Who do you turn to when you need a babysitter?
A. Your five older children.
B. Your parents or the nice neighbor girl.
C. A professional nanny that passed an FBI background check.
D. A combination of Benadryl and the T.V.
12. On an average summer day, your baby is wearing…
A. Dirt, and that’s about it.
B. Whatever is clean at the moment.
C. A matching outfit, with matching shoes and matching hat, natch.
D. The same clothes he’s been in for the last week.
13. This past Mother’s Day, you were…
A. Thrilled—your partner took you on a hike, prepared a picnic, and
surprised you with a new homebrew!
B. Thrilled—the hubs fixed you breakfast in bed, then sent you off for
a pedicure and a massage!
C. Thrilled—your husband followed your ten-point set of instructions
to a tee!
D. Thrilled—your parole officer showed up and took you and the kids
out to lunch!
14. Your worst nightmare is that your baby will grow up to be…
A. A Republican.
B. A drug addict.
C. A hippie.
D. A cop.
15. At night, you don’t worry about your baby because…
A. She's in bed with you.
B. She's in a bassinet in your room where you can see her.
C. You set your alarm to check on her every hour. Plus you have the
D. You are drunk.
Tally up your results!
If you answered mostly As, you are:
A Crunchy Mom!
(Note: this is the P.C. way of saying you’re a hippie).
You take a laid-back approach to parenting, raising your children to be in tune with nature, their bodies, and their emotions.
Recommended reading: The Dr. Sears line of books, Mothering magazine, The Lorax…
Potential pitfalls: You want your child to be a unique expression of himself, and he will be. But at some point, he may feel awkward being the only kindergartner with dreadlocks and a tofu lunch. His way of being an individual just might mean experimenting with conformity for a little while. Don’t worry, he’ll go back to being barefoot soon enough!
If you answered mostly Bs, you are:
The Average Mom!
You are practical and level-headed, and balance your own mother’s advice with your pediatrician’s. You are raising confident, well-adjusted children who will fit in wherever they go.
Recommended Reading: The Baby Whisperer, Parenting magazine, Brown Bear Brown Bear…
Potential pitfalls: Sometimes you might find it hard to follow your own instincts when it comes to parenting. Remember that it’s okay to listen to your gut, even if it doesn’t jibe with what your sister, your college roommate, or the park ladies say. It’s okay to go your own way and try new things!
If you answered mostly Cs, you are:
An Overachieving Mom!
You are the envy of the playgroup with your sparkling countertops and GMO-free 100% whole wheat muffins. You are raising kids who will be responsible, hard-working, and maybe just a wee bit neurotic.
Recommended reading: Who am I kidding? You know you’ve already got every parenting book ever written.
Potential pitfalls: Here’s the deal C-mom. Kids are messy. Life with children is chaotic, and things definitely don’t always go as planned (see here for proof). In your attempts at perfection, you just might miss out on the little things that make it all worth it. Admit it—wasn’t it just a teensy bit funny when your son hung the asparagus out of his nose like a giant booger? Make sure to take time to laugh, be spontaneous, and let loose from time to time. Your kids won’t even remember the countertops!
If you answered mostly Ds, you are:
A Neglectful Mom!
Sad face. I really really hope you didn’t get mostly Ds. Now please turn off the computer and get yourself to rehab.